Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something. Read Summary
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus? Read Summary
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake. Read Summary
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it. Read Summary
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming. Read Summary
I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life. Read Summary
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer. Read Summary
I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before. Read Summary
I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring. Read Summary
A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap. Read Summary
Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults. Read Summary
I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality. Read Summary
I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people. Read Summary
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. Read Summary
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that. Read Summary
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.' Read Summary
My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero? Read Summary
This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty. Read Summary
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. Read Summary
Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show. Read Summary