I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone. Read Summary
What's right is what's left if you do everything else wrong. Read Summary
Comedy can be a cathartic way to deal with personal trauma. Read Summary
Cricket is basically baseball on valium. Read Summary
Do I perform sometimes in a manic style? Yes. Am I manic all the time? No. Do I get sad? Oh yeah. Does it hit me hard? Oh yeah. Read Summary
I like my wine like my women - ready to pass out. Read Summary
For me, comedy starts as a spew, a kind of explosion, and then you sculpt it from there, if at all. It comes out of a deeper, darker side. Maybe it comes from anger, because I'm outraged by cruel absurdities, the hypocrisy that exists everywhere, even within yourself, where it's hardest to see. Read Summary
I believe Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was... a large Arctic region covered with ice. Read Summary
My mother's idea of natural childbirth was giving birth without makeup. She was hyper-positive - the world is a wonderful place, rainbows and unicorns. If you said anything contrary to her, you were basically exiled. Read Summary
I don't do well with snakes and I can't dance. Read Summary
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture. Read Summary
If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number? Read Summary
Carpe per diem - seize the check. Read Summary
When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family? Read Summary
The bad thing about being a famous comedian is that every now and then someone approaches me to tell an old joke. Don't tell me jokes - I have that. People also say the weirdest things, sometimes sarcastic things, and even evil things. They like to provoke to get a reaction. Read Summary
The idea of having a steady job is appealing. Read Summary
Sometimes over things that I did, movies that didn't turn out very well - you go, 'Why did you do that?' But in the end, I can't regret them because I met amazing people. There was always something that was worth it. Read Summary
Having George W. Bush giving a lecture on business ethics is like having a leper give you a facial, it just doesn't work! Read Summary
I have an idea for a movie called 'The Walken Dead' which is about a town where, instead of zombies, everyone becomes Chris Walken. Read Summary
You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it. Read Summary