So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red. Read Summary
So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.' Read Summary
I went out on a date with Simile. I don't know what I metaphor. Read Summary
Velcro: what a rip-off. Read Summary
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.' Read Summary
I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy. Read Summary
You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox. Read Summary
With silly stuff, it's seventy-five percent confidence. I always tell people that it's because I'm nervous about getting that next laugh and I need to hear it. I always want to condense a joke. Read Summary
People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff. Read Summary
Comedy covers such a wide range of different styles that I'm not really qualified to talk on all of them any more than anyone else is. Read Summary
Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin. Read Summary
People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway. Read Summary
I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again. Read Summary
If you compulsively pun you are called a paronomasiac. Read Summary
So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.' Read Summary
So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.' Read Summary
Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet. Read Summary
As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing. Read Summary
Black beauty - he's a dark horse. Read Summary
For one thing, I don't pun excessively in real life. Read Summary