Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again. Read Summary
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler. Read Summary
I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy. Read Summary
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with. Read Summary
Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it. Read Summary
I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy. Read Summary
The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart. Read Summary
Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia. Read Summary
I got booed off the stage one time. This was in a University in Florida. The students didn't know that I had to come back out 6 more times, because I was hosting the show. They just thought that I was a comedian opening the show. Read Summary
When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction. Read Summary
What's another word for Thesaurus? Read Summary
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff. Read Summary
OK, so what's the speed of dark? Read Summary
I tell jokes for a check; I'm on TV for a check. Read Summary
I'm a comedian first. I've learned how to act. I just draw on life experiences and that's how I've learned. I didn't take classes or anything. I don't need no classroom. Read Summary
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. Read Summary
My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair. Read Summary
I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette. Read Summary
One of my favourite actors of all time, although he doesn't necessarily play villains, is Peter Lorre. Read Summary
To be a comedian, you have to have some darkness behind it. I certainly draw on my past, and it helps. Read Summary