I wouldn't know a good script if it bit me in the face. Read Summary
My cousin's gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock. Read Summary
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too. Read Summary
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me. Read Summary
Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.' Read Summary
When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother. Read Summary
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap. Read Summary
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that. Read Summary
I'm a meathead, man. You've got smart people, and you've got dumb people. I just happen to be dumb. Read Summary
If you catch me saying 'I am a serious actor', I beg you to slap me. Read Summary
As an athlete, you'd better laugh at yourself when you slip in the mud. Read Summary
My philosophy is, it's always very rewarding when you can make an audience laugh. I don't mind making fun of myself. I like self-deprecating comedy. But I'd like you to laugh with me occasionally, too. Read Summary
I'm always amazed that people take what I say seriously. I don't even take what I am seriously. Read Summary
Walk on water? I know most people out there will be saying that instead of walking on it, I should have taken more of it with my drinks. They are absolutely right. Read Summary