Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin. Read Summary
What white woman, however lonely, was ever captive or insulted by me? Yet they say I am a bad Indian. Read Summary
If I talk to a girl, it's assumed that I'm having a scene with her. If I don't, then it's assumed that I'm gay. Read Summary
Russians not only vehemently despise blacks, they believe Africa begins at the Ukraine border. Read Summary
One of the things being in politics has taught me is that men are not a reasoned or reasonable sex. Read Summary
Instead of being presented with stereotypes by age, sex, color, class, or religion, children must have the opportunity to learn that within each range, some people are loathsome and some are delightful. Read Summary
We still think of a powerful man as a born leader and a powerful woman as an anomaly. Read Summary
All fat women look the same; they all look 42. Read Summary
I'm a bookworm. I know with my physical appearance that I don't look like the typical reader. I'm in Barnes & Noble all the time, and you can look at people that look like they are supposed to be in there. I am in there, pants sagging, hat backwards. Read Summary
Sure I believe in God and the Devil, but they don't have to have pitchforks and a long white beard. Read Summary
People were saying that David Geffen and I had gotten married and it just blew me away. Not that they thought I was gay, but that they thought I could land a guy that hot. Read Summary
If someone plays a brooding actor in a film, people think they're brooding all the time. Read Summary
In Delaware, the largest growth in population is Indian-Americans moving from India. You cannot go to a 7-11 or a Dunkin Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent. I'm not joking. Read Summary
Hair extensions and wigs are not the same thing. Wigs are for old ladies and drag queens. Extensions are for women who want longer hair. To be safe, never bring it up if you think a woman is wearing either. No good comes of it. Read Summary
Stand-up is a weird animal. There are people who really want to know what you think about things, your opinion on life. But then there are people who think you're just that beautician in 'Legally Blonde,' who doesn't have opinions on anything. Or that I'm Stifler's mom and hot for it all the time. Read Summary
Girls are supposed to be feminine and demure. Comedy isn't about that, so you just have to unlearn it. Certain women are so pretty, they can't go weird enough to be funny. You have to be willing to be ugly. I'm lucky my face can look so hideous. Read Summary
Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to. Read Summary
Not all Muslims are terrorists, but almost all terrorists are Muslims. Read Summary
Scratch a Yale man with both hands and you'll be lucky to find a coast-guard. Usually you find nothing at all. Read Summary
Why is it so hard for people to believe that white people are poor?! I wouldn't say I lived in a ghetto; I'd say I lived in the 'hood. The same friends I had back then are the same people on tour with me now. Read Summary