People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway.

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red. Read Summary

So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.' Read Summary

I went out on a date with Simile. I don't know what I metaphor. Read Summary

Velcro: what a rip-off. Read Summary

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.' Read Summary

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy. Read Summary

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox. Read Summary

With silly stuff, it's seventy-five percent confidence. I always tell people that it's because I'm nervous about getting that next laugh and I need to hear it. I always want to condense a joke. Read Summary

People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff. Read Summary

Comedy covers such a wide range of different styles that I'm not really qualified to talk on all of them any more than anyone else is. Read Summary