I think being funny is not anyone's first choice. Read Summary
Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else. Read Summary
It's a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it. Read Summary
I like children - fried. Read Summary
So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.' Read Summary
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time. Read Summary
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere. Read Summary
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. Read Summary
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.' Read Summary
I'm going to take this God-given gift of being funny, and I'm going to spread it out like peanut butter on everything I do. Read Summary
There's a lot more to me than just funny. Read Summary
Justice Scalia and I served together on the D.C. Circuit. So his votes are not surprising to me. What I like about him is that he's very funny and very smart. Read Summary
My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home. Read Summary
I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot. Read Summary
When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up. Read Summary
I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get. Read Summary
A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home. Read Summary
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it. Read Summary
I'm blonde and tanned and normal-sized! I'm sweet, shy, funny, have a big heart and I'm nice - and I like to eat. Read Summary
All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me. Read Summary