Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to. Read Summary
I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car. Read Summary
When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say. Read Summary
Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport. Read Summary
Take my wife... Please! Read Summary
You look like a talent scout for a cemetery. Read Summary
This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest. Read Summary
I must confess, I was born at a very early age. Read Summary
Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it. Read Summary
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members. Read Summary
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped. Read Summary
I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30. Read Summary
I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it. Read Summary
Think off-center. Read Summary
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they? Read Summary
Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Read Summary
Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another. Read Summary
I started in action, and then I went to comedy school. Read Summary
My philosophy is, it's always very rewarding when you can make an audience laugh. I don't mind making fun of myself. I like self-deprecating comedy. But I'd like you to laugh with me occasionally, too. Read Summary
I'll watch Ricky Gervais in anything he does. The guy's hilarious. Read Summary