One of the things I like about when I tour sometimes is that occasionally you'll see a dad there with his 12-year-old son and they're both enjoying it. Read Summary
I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down. Read Summary
I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself. Read Summary
I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of stand-up means that some people are getting to play rock star venues. Read Summary
If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative. Read Summary
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.' Read Summary
I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum. Read Summary
My DVD cellophane was put on by a psychiatrist. It was shrink-wrapped. Read Summary
I got booed off the stage one time. This was in a University in Florida. The students didn't know that I had to come back out 6 more times, because I was hosting the show. They just thought that I was a comedian opening the show. Read Summary
They're just jokes, people. They can't all be funny. Read Summary
I think when people mean that Discworld books have become darker they really mean the series is growing up. In 'The Colour of Magic' most of the city is set alight. It's a joke, in much the same way that the Earth is destroyed almost at the start of Douglas Adams's 'The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.' Read Summary
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. Read Summary
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time. Read Summary
Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.' Read Summary
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually. Read Summary
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. Read Summary
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen. Read Summary
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. Read Summary
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere. Read Summary
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? Read Summary