If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back? Read Summary
I intend to live forever. So far, so good. Read Summary
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it. Read Summary
I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it. Read Summary
I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side. Read Summary
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. Read Summary
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. Read Summary
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.' Read Summary
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything. Read Summary
It's like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules. Read Summary
I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific. Read Summary
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer? Read Summary
Comedians walk out, get a feel for the crowd. If it's not going good, we change directions. If we got to drag your momma into this thing, we will. Whatever we got to do. Read Summary
I'm going to take this God-given gift of being funny, and I'm going to spread it out like peanut butter on everything I do. Read Summary
You can take lessons to become almost anything: flying lessons, piano lessons, skydiving lessons, acting lessons, race car driving lessons, singing lessons. But there's no class for comedy. You have to be born with it. God has to give you this gift. Read Summary
I don't want to be 60 years old standing on stage telling some jokes. I want my life to mean something. Read Summary
I love Benny Hill. He one of my favourites of aaall time. Like, the way Benny did it, he was just amazing. Just seeing how he put songs together and comedy and the timing and the sketches. He was way ahead of his time. Read Summary
Nothing is funnier than unhappiness, I grant you that. Yes, yes, it's the most comical thing in the world. Read Summary
I don't like to be entertaining. I don't like the feeling of being entertaining. If there was a musical or a comedy that was not just for entertainment but was rooted in something I could relate to on a real level, then I think I would do it. Read Summary
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out. Read Summary