My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home. Read Summary
My cousin's gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock. Read Summary
I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going. Read Summary
My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light. Read Summary
My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat. Read Summary
I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face. Read Summary
What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm. Read Summary
When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother. Read Summary
I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie. Read Summary
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet. Read Summary
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. Read Summary
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand. Read Summary
With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other! Read Summary
Comedy can be a cathartic way to deal with personal trauma. Read Summary
Do I perform sometimes in a manic style? Yes. Am I manic all the time? No. Do I get sad? Oh yeah. Does it hit me hard? Oh yeah. Read Summary
I like my wine like my women - ready to pass out. Read Summary
For me, comedy starts as a spew, a kind of explosion, and then you sculpt it from there, if at all. It comes out of a deeper, darker side. Maybe it comes from anger, because I'm outraged by cruel absurdities, the hypocrisy that exists everywhere, even within yourself, where it's hardest to see. Read Summary
I believe Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was... a large Arctic region covered with ice. Read Summary
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture. Read Summary
When Jonathan Winters died, it was like, 'Oh, man!' I knew he was frail, but I always thought he was going to last longer. I knew him as being really funny, but at the same time, he had a dark side. Read Summary