I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me. Read Summary
I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once. Read Summary
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific. Read Summary
I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones. Read Summary
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. Read Summary
Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny! Read Summary
I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. Read Summary
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later. Read Summary
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. Read Summary
Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down. Read Summary
I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all. Read Summary
You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something. Read Summary
When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away. Read Summary
I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day. Read Summary
I remixed a remix, it was back to normal. Read Summary
I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle. Read Summary
My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set. Read Summary
I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart. Read Summary
Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen. Read Summary
Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles. Read Summary